Roller Coaster of Feelings

What a roller coaster of feelings I have had the last few days. I am so deeply sad about my dear friend Steve Murphy having a brain tumor. I can't even process this. Steve and I started our church youth camp together many years ago. He has been a big brother to me. He was my care group leader and pastor and now he is my immediate boss.

I just spoke to Steve yesterday and he was fine. Last night he had surgery to remove the tumor, but they weren't able to get it all. I read what is happening to my friend on the blog but it isn't registering that what I am reading is about my friend.

I was with some friends tonight that had talked at length with Steve after his son Ian was in a terrible car accident that resulted in him having a brain injury. My friends tonight said that Steve's view of this world greatly changed after the accident. He no longer saw the appeal of this world. He longed for his real home.

My friend said the following statement which I found to be really profound:

For Christians, this world is the only hell we will ever know.
For non-Christians, this world is the only heaven they will ever know.

Praise God that as awful as this world can be... this is the worst it will ever get... the future, our Heavenly future, is an unimaginable paradise.

It is hard to think of paradise when faced with such great sadness. But this world is fallen, awful, and full of sadness and grief. Knowing there is a world without pain and sorrow waiting for us, a world where we can all be together and experience joy everlasting... that is the hope I cling to.

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The last 58 hours have been almost indescribable. "M" came on Wednesday. I expected it to be hard... really hard... but wow... was it hard. It is like preparing to jump into freezing water. You can tell yourself it is going to be cold, really cold, you can anticipate the feelings you will have when you jump into that cold water, but until you jump in, you just have no idea.

Part of the struggle was my own doing. I have years of training, but when dropped into this situation I was like a deer in the headlights. I was frustrated because I didn't know what to do. Thankfully I have a wonderful mother and friends that helped snap me out of it. Yes this little girl has been through a lot, but that doesn't mean I don't set limits and give in to every temper tantrum. Once I started setting limits, things started to get a lot better.

We have only been together for 58 hours and in that time, we have had MAJOR victories. We have come so far in just a short time. I am excited for what next week will be like, next month, etc... Please pray that I will have wisdom and know which battles to choose.

I am starting to feel like I am adjusting to the freezing water. I am still shivering, but the shock is wearing off and I am doing better every day... and so is M.

It is so hard to not dissolve into a puddle of tears right now with all the emotions I am feeling, but I am trusting in God. He is helping me. I started to have a small melt down this morning and my mom was here to be with M and a friend called and prayed with me at the exact moment I needed someone there... God is still in control. God is still on the throne. God is still good. And I know that Steve would be the first to agree with me.