When Sadness Strikes

Yesterday E was at her math tutor and I had an hour to run a few errands. I thought I would check out the Goodwill store to see if they had anything since back-to-school time is near.

I found two cute items I thought E would like. I was in a good mood, the day was going great, and then it happened.

I saw a precious little dress. The dress probably would have fit a two year old. The waves of grief came out of no where and pushed me over. I had to turn away and try not to think about it... it was just too hard.

Every now and then I have a moment like this where I am faced with the reality that I wasn't there for my daughter's first 6 years and 9 months of life. I don't know what her first word was, when she took her first steps, what baby food she liked/disliked. I don't have a lock of hair from her first haircut. I don't have any pictures of her before the age of six.

I never bought her a baby clothes.

People lose pictures in fires, but at least they have the memories. There is so much I don't know about my daughter. Sometimes we will go somewhere and someone will ask if E likes something... and I don't know the answer. It is hard, really hard knowing I am her mother, the one person in the world that should know her more than anyone else, and there is so much I don't know, so much I have missed.

I take comfort in knowing all the years ahead we have to make our own memories. I know the Lord will give me strength and that even when I wasn't with E during her first few years, the Lord who lives in me, WAS with her every second.

Adoption is so wonderful and so hard. I am so grateful for E. She is so funny, and sweet and tender. She keeps me on my toes. She challenges me. She has such amazing insight. She is my daughter and I love her so much.

Thank you Lord that even though I wasn't with E for her first 2,462 days of life, you were with her every second of every day. That brings me great comfort.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is our 1 year anniversary of E's adoption. I am still amazed that she is mine. I am truly blessed.